Pixel Imperfect

A friend messaged me today about visiting. I told her I was going through a lot and it's not a good time. She said she understood, asked if I needed to talk, but I think she really needed to talk because she started telling me about her recent trauma which is actually a worst nightmare of mine (accidental ectopic pregnancy while on Kyleena IUP). She says she was having flashbacks to her rape. And I felt my anxiety rise. I already felt anxious about telling her I couldn't handle a visit right now, but now I felt more. I started to feel panicky. I vented to my teammates. I reminded myself that I'm safe. I suggested she speak to a trauma therapist. Reminder to myself that I am proud of myself for trying to set a boundary. I should not feel guilty for not being able to allow my friend unload on me. I do not have the capacity at this time.

Feeling extremely emotionally overwhelmed. Just had a talk with Dan that even I was offered the dream job right now, I don't think I could take it. Not right now, I'd need mental health time off. I'd need to take in a few months from now. Glad I have the part time gig. It's not mentally taxing. Now that I'm processing other stuff, food is less difficult. I don't have the mental space to fight about food I guess. But like, I am in a fitness challenge with some other friends (A POC group of ladies and theydies) and I realized that I can't even do that right now. I can do the step challenge because it doesn't require anything from me, my Garmin just has to sync. But I opened the challenge spreadsheet a few times today and I just couldn't. Feels dumb. Not dumb though. Man, I already have so many emotions and now I have MORE?!?! This is ridiculous. HOW MANY EMOTIONS CAN ONE GIRL HAVE? Anyway, I also today got an email from my ex (before evan) apologizing

Lately I've been working on my organization, which is a hot mess. I've developed a block schedule for myself  -- needs tweaking, but it's already been helpful at getting things done. I have alarms set up at the end of each block to let me know to move on. Noting that I am currently unemployed, this is my typical morning: Wake up to pee Go back to bed Scroll on phone Maybe doze off again Wander over to computer Reddit or chat with friends Think about all the things I need to do When I actually try to be productive, it's not great either. For example, if I think "I need to clean the bedroom." So maybe I start by picking up clothes. I start to put away my husband's clothes and notice his closet is a mess, so I start organizing it. But this isn't where his shoes go! I take his shoes out to the shoe rack by the front door. It's gritty from all the dust and sand -- we live in Hawaii with jalousie windows... and also SOMEONE walks through the apartment wi

Google and Facebook, and other apps I'm sure, like to remind us of where we were one, two, five, eight, etc years ago. This can bring on a flurry of emotions. Pictures of your pets or kids, awww. Pictures of your ex, grrr. Pictures of a happier you, *crying emoji* To me, it's amazing how much I've gone through in two years and it helps me realize that I can have the life I want again. Two years is not that long. (One of my last dates with my exboyfriend. NoDa Brewing Hop Cakes Release Day!) Two years ago I was still working through my breakup with my ex of about four years. We were still good friends, but it was hard. That part sucked. Two years ago, I was living in Charlotte, and spending several nights a week working out with my friends. That part was amazing. (Post run-club hangs at Common Market) In the time since then I've been through a lot. Some great things: made new friends in Charlotte, threw myself into the running community even more, ran some

After we were both off work for the day, Danny and I went out for a walk. We got into the car and he asked "Where to, Lady?" "Well," I responded, "our options are here and Jackson, right? So, Jackson, unless you have somewhere else in mind." He confirmed that there were no other options and we headed to do the loop around Jackson. Parking at the general store, walking through town past the inn, the tavern, the school. Across the bridge, past the sandwich shop and the golf course turned cross country ski area. Swiftly through the covered "kissing" bridge with cob webs overhead, which Danny skitters past nervously. Finally, back to the car. It's a 1.3 mile loop. It's a charming little walk. We have two very charming little walks here in town in the winter. I don't know of other walking options nearby, at least not in the winter. And maybe a girl gets tired of the same two 1-2 mile loops. We don't have a lot of town here. Bu

See if anything comes of it, instead of my old shit It has been a gnarly two years.  Two years ago, for better or for worse, I had to restart the life I'd been expecting. In some ways, it turns out, it was for the better. In some ways, it was for the worse. I tend to make wild jumps and go "all-in" on decisions when I'm floundering. This lead to an intense three month relationship with a man who was an  extremely poor fit for me, (as I was for him!). A feeling of being lost and frustrated in my romantic life as well as my career lead me to launch myself at an opportunity with little foresight.  I was offered a job in a new field (though somewhat adjacent to my career) in a location that was totally opposite of where I was living. From living in on of the most lively neighborhoods in Charlotte, North Carolina to a town I envisioned as a Hallmark town: North Conway, New Hampshire. Population: 2,500. (Plus 10,000 tourists from the greater Boston area) With stars