I didn't go visit Jeff. Shhh, don't tell anyone. See, I stopped by the recruiter's to hand off some paper work, then to the school to say sup to everyone, then I just started driving, and I decided to drive to Greenwood. I was like, okay, I'll visit Tommy. He's a friend of mine who goes to Lander U. (Where I almost went to school.)
I got there and I couldn't find his number. So I turned around and went home. See, actually, I was going to Greenwood though to find Our Lady of Lourdes. I wanted to go to a church and go to adoration, but I didn't want anyone to possibly recognise me. I don't know why.
I have a lot of stuff to think about, you know. B/c really, I don't know why I do anything. I mean... WHY really, am I joining the Navy? Why really didn't I go to Lander? I mean, I figured out what I want to do in life... and it's really not possible... I just want to be free. Without anything holding me down. But I want to be able to travel and live on my own and do whatever I want. I mean, I can't really do that, b/c money for one, and I'm to young really... and really those are the only things holdin' me back. I'd really like to run away, but I mean... I can't afford too. You know? Well, prolly not.
Anyway, I just get confused a lot. And I realized something. I said that people don't tell me I'm beautiful. I realized that that was a lie. I hear it all the frickin' time. But for some reason I don't believe it. And I think I'm shallow. Which upsets me to no end. I think that's why I'm so confused. I'm shallow, but I think I'm deep. I wish I were deep. I know people that are beautiful, inside and out. I think I'm not beautiful inside, and that's probably what I actually wanted to hear.
Anyway, you really don't need to listen to me bitch. That's another thing. I don't like people to know how I feel. That's why I'm always okay. See... I'm scr00ed up in the head. I think I need help. No, I think I just need to REALLY think.