I'm still having a tough time getting up in the morning and going to work at Clinical Day Program. Sometimes, I just want to quit. I really want to quit. I like working at the Anderson Free Clinic. I like JustFaith. I likemost everything else about being here. Except working at the CDP. Which is sad, because that composes the majority of my time... I don't like it. I'm not cut out for this CDP shaped hole. I cry myself to sleep because I'm so upset... I keep taking these breaks, thinking that they will rejuvenate me and I won't hate working so much, but I dread coming home and returning to work. I've got a weekend at Myrtle Beach in a little over a week, and two weeks after that, I've got the FVM spring retreat. The weekend after that is the CDP spring break as well as Holy Week. The weekend after that is our JustFaith closing retreat. I've got a million retreats. More, if I want them. But they aren't making things any better. Sometimes, I wonder if it will get better at all. Maybe I'll snap out of it. If not, I don't know what to do. I can't live another five months like this. I just can't! I'll go mad.
If you were silent, do you think your friends would notice? I'm usually loud, jovial. I like to be seen as happy, whether I am or not. One day at lunch, I sat down. Someone asked me a question, I nodded my head. Tim commented on my mace earrings. I grinned and shook my head from side to side so they would bounce off my cheeks. Andrew asked why I wasn't saying anything. "It's unusual to have a silent Mary." I laughed and said that I hadn't meant to be silent. We moved to talk about the random things that friends will often talk about. Today, I sat with my usual group of "friends;" the friends with whom I fit so well. And today, I was quiet. There is a difference between quiet and silent. Especially when the quiet is you sitting, unsmiling, going through the motions and the silent includes you grinning and playing with your earrings. However, no one noticed. Isn't it odd? I think if one of my friends was bummed, I'd notice. If the were quiet, d...
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