Pixel Imperfect

Writing Prompt Tarot Spread: Protagonist vs Antagonist. Friendship (Three of Cups) vs Sorrow (Three of Swords) Change (Two of Disks) > Perspective (XII) > Temperance (XIV) > The Empress (III) > High Priestess (II) A group of friends experiences a potentially relationship rending event. Hearts are hurt. Their friendship has survived many an ebb and flow. The hurtful event must be approached with understanding, compassion, and fierce love, resulting in new harmony and balance in the friendship.  What they have in common: The High Priestess? Their intuition/belief? Will have to dig deeper on that one. Spread from Karma Star Tarot Cards: The Field Tarot

A friend messaged me today about visiting. I told her I was going through a lot and it's not a good time. She said she understood, asked if I needed to talk, but I think she really needed to talk because she started telling me about her recent trauma which is actually a worst nightmare of mine (accidental ectopic pregnancy while on Kyleena IUP). She says she was having flashbacks to her rape. And I felt my anxiety rise. I already felt anxious about telling her I couldn't handle a visit right now, but now I felt more. I started to feel panicky. I vented to my teammates. I reminded myself that I'm safe. I suggested she speak to a trauma therapist. Reminder to myself that I am proud of myself for trying to set a boundary. I should not feel guilty for not being able to allow my friend unload on me. I do not have the capacity at this time.

Feeling extremely emotionally overwhelmed. Just had a talk with Dan that even I was offered the dream job right now, I don't think I could take it. Not right now, I'd need mental health time off. I'd need to take in a few months from now. Glad I have the part time gig. It's not mentally taxing. Now that I'm processing other stuff, food is less difficult. I don't have the mental space to fight about food I guess. But like, I am in a fitness challenge with some other friends (A POC group of ladies and theydies) and I realized that I can't even do that right now. I can do the step challenge because it doesn't require anything from me, my Garmin just has to sync. But I opened the challenge spreadsheet a few times today and I just couldn't. Feels dumb. Not dumb though. Man, I already have so many emotions and now I have MORE?!?! This is ridiculous. HOW MANY EMOTIONS CAN ONE GIRL HAVE? Anyway, I also today got an email from my ex (before evan) apologizing ...

Lately I've been working on my organization, which is a hot mess. I've developed a block schedule for myself  -- needs tweaking, but it's already been helpful at getting things done. I have alarms set up at the end of each block to let me know to move on. Noting that I am currently unemployed, this is my typical morning: Wake up to pee Go back to bed Scroll on phone Maybe doze off again Wander over to computer Reddit or chat with friends Think about all the things I need to do When I actually try to be productive, it's not great either. For example, if I think "I need to clean the bedroom." So maybe I start by picking up clothes. I start to put away my husband's clothes and notice his closet is a mess, so I start organizing it. But this isn't where his shoes go! I take his shoes out to the shoe rack by the front door. It's gritty from all the dust and sand -- we live in Hawaii with jalousie windows... and also SOMEONE walks through the apartment wi...

Google and Facebook, and other apps I'm sure, like to remind us of where we were one, two, five, eight, etc years ago. This can bring on a flurry of emotions. Pictures of your pets or kids, awww. Pictures of your ex, grrr. Pictures of a happier you, *crying emoji* To me, it's amazing how much I've gone through in two years and it helps me realize that I can have the life I want again. Two years is not that long. (One of my last dates with my exboyfriend. NoDa Brewing Hop Cakes Release Day!) Two years ago I was still working through my breakup with my ex of about four years. We were still good friends, but it was hard. That part sucked. Two years ago, I was living in Charlotte, and spending several nights a week working out with my friends. That part was amazing. (Post run-club hangs at Common Market) In the time since then I've been through a lot. Some great things: made new friends in Charlotte, threw myself into the running community even more, ran some...

After we were both off work for the day, Danny and I went out for a walk. We got into the car and he asked "Where to, Lady?" "Well," I responded, "our options are here and Jackson, right? So, Jackson, unless you have somewhere else in mind." He confirmed that there were no other options and we headed to do the loop around Jackson. Parking at the general store, walking through town past the inn, the tavern, the school. Across the bridge, past the sandwich shop and the golf course turned cross country ski area. Swiftly through the covered "kissing" bridge with cob webs overhead, which Danny skitters past nervously. Finally, back to the car. It's a 1.3 mile loop. It's a charming little walk. We have two very charming little walks here in town in the winter. I don't know of other walking options nearby, at least not in the winter. And maybe a girl gets tired of the same two 1-2 mile loops. We don't have a lot of town here. Bu...

See if anything comes of it, instead of my old shit It has been a gnarly two years.  Two years ago, for better or for worse, I had to restart the life I'd been expecting. In some ways, it turns out, it was for the better. In some ways, it was for the worse. I tend to make wild jumps and go "all-in" on decisions when I'm floundering. This lead to an intense three month relationship with a man who was an  extremely poor fit for me, (as I was for him!). A feeling of being lost and frustrated in my romantic life as well as my career lead me to launch myself at an opportunity with little foresight.  I was offered a job in a new field (though somewhat adjacent to my career) in a location that was totally opposite of where I was living. From living in on of the most lively neighborhoods in Charlotte, North Carolina to a town I envisioned as a Hallmark town: North Conway, New Hampshire. Population: 2,500. (Plus 10,000 tourists from the greater Boston area) With stars...

I just realized that there is zero chance that I'm going to blog on the weekends, so. Whatevs. Most of these "blog challenges" include a selfie in there somewhere. I intend to post many. Today I decided to take a selfie with my phone propped up on my keyboard but it just ended up looking pretentious. Bleah. So you've also got my standard, kinda smiling at phone, chin propped up on hand selfie. The black and white blouse I'm wearing under the sweater was a cool $5.08 on clearance from Target. I bought 3 boxes of protein bars which were part of a promotion where you bought 3 boxes and you got a $5 gift card. So basically this top costs eight cents. Plus tax. Weekend plans include being washed away by Joaquin, raiding the REI garage sale, and consuming copious amounts of beer at Charlotte's Oktoberfest. Enjoy, and see you on Monday.

31 day blog challenge or something. You know I actually write in a blog every day, but it's not this blog. I think only two people have access to the link. Anyway, I don't really like a lot of the blog challenges I see, I just want to force myself to write more often. Most of the blog challenges start with an "intro" so here we go. Fun Facts! 1) I have never in my life completed a blog challenge and I don't intend to start now. So, you know... prepare yourself for disappointment come day twelve 2) I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually enjoy outdoor activities more than video games these days. Give me an all day hike instead of an all day Fallout binge any day. I do particularly like that running only takes an hour or so, though. Trail Selfie from the Snowball Trail, near Craggy Gardens James Boyce Park in Charlotte, good for trail runs 3) My favorite breakfast is from a gourmet grocers in Charlotte called  Earl's Groc...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2015/01/50-questions-you-can-ask-at-a-party-that-arent-so-what-do-you-do/ Lion King never gave me the ugly cries, so I'm over Mufasa's death. Does that make ma bad person? Maybe. Does that make me a bad millenial? Definitely.

Every day, I'm going to try and write about once nice thing that happened the day before. -- I went for a run yesterday at Lenny Boy Brewing. They've got a brand new run club: noon on Sunday's. I can do that. Unfortunately, I lost track of time and got there late. I messaged a friend that I was going to be 15 minutes late. I fully expected to run the 3 miles solo -- which I don't enjoy. After about half a mile, I see someone else on the Light Rail path headed towards me. The figure begins to look familiar. It's a runner friend of mine who is far too fast for me to run with. I was surprised to see him. "You missed the turn," I called out. It was his first time at the LB run and I assumed he'd forgotten to turn down Tremont. "I was looking for you." He slowed as I approached, turned and began running with me. We ran down to the Bland Street Station, turned, and returned to the brewery. As we turned onto Hawkins, he encouraged me to ...

I've wanted to be a runner for over a decade. I remember going for jogs in Cleveland Park when I lived in Greenville. I could probably run for 30 seconds at a time. Then walk for 2 minutes, then run for 30 seconds. I never improved because I never kept up with it. Every year or so I make another attempt. I run for about a week or two, and then I drop it like a bad habit. I've been running in the same pair of gray and pink Adidas that were a Christmas gift to 15 year old Stargirl. So, it was time for my annual running attempt. Turns out I have several friends who run. Some run casually. Some run regularly. A couple of the local breweries have running clubs so I decided to join a couple weeks ago. I hung back with my casual running friends. We argued whether we would do the 1 or 3 mile loops. I was going to attempt the 3 mile loop and talked them into it. I'm short and have a snail's pace. Most of them could walk as fast as I could jog, so I told them to leave m...

Last week was a very weird week. Very stressful and busy. I didn't keep track of any of my mornings last week so we'll just skip that  "Black ops... black ops... dropping presents from the helicopter..." The song gets louder and louder. After 60 seconds it's playing at full volume. I blink my eyes and reach for my phone. It's been plugged in and under the pillow all night. SleepBot has kept the screen dark, but technically on. My finger practically sizzles as I swipe the glass to indicate to indicate I am awake. I squint at the screen. 7:00am on the dot. It's rather bright in my room. I realize that I left the blinds open last night and my apartment is flooded with natural light. It's kinda nice.  I forgot to set up the coffee last night. No, that's a lie. I thought about it at 10:30 but I was already under the covers and reading. I couldn't be bothered to set up the coffee last night. I lie in bed for another 15 minutes swiping at m...

I've come to work to be greeted with a bag of Thin Mints, Samoas, Savannah Smiles, Thank U Berry Munches, and Trefoils. And now I have to sit here with these cookies next to me ALL DAY. I made the mistake of going onto the bakery websites. The troop I'm buying from uses Little Brownie Bakers. The other bakery has Chocolate Chip Shortbread, Lemonades, and Cranberry Citrus Crisps. My god. If I run into girls selling the other cookies I'm going to be in trouble. I really want to try the chocolate chip shortbread and cranberry crisps. Why can't I buy, like, half a box? Or just two or three cookies? Auughhhh. I have been known in the past to eat an entire box of cookies in one sitting. That is probably why I was super fat in college! Entire box of: Thin Mints - 32 cookies, 1280 calories, 80g sugar Samoas - 14 cookies, 980 calories, 70g sugar Savannah Smiles - 25 cookies, 700 calories, 50g sugar Thank U Berry Munch - 14 cookies, 840 calories, 49g sugar Trefoils - 40 ...

A soft melodic tone trickles into my ear. I reach out a hand and, eyes closed, swipe it silent. My hand curls around the phone. My foot twitches. I'm a bit warm. I pull the phone towards my face. My eyelids flutter, blink, squint. 7:00am. The text in the phone is insistent - "Wake up, mutha fucka!!!!" I blink, I sigh ... I doze. A harsh electronic beat pours into my ears. I reach out a hand and, eyes closed, swipe it silent. My hand curls around my phone. I bury my nose into my pillow. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK" exclaims the silenced alarm. It is now 7:30am. A tentative sniff reveals my saving grace. There is premade coffee. Thank you , past me . I pull on a pair of socks. I grip the railing as I teeter down my spiral staircase, brain half-asleep, eyes half-closed. A few moments later, I'm slightly more awake, sipping my coffee with too much cream and staring in my mirror with displeasure. "Christ. You're a hot mess." Another sip of coffee...

It's snowing pretty heavy here. (Heavy for Carolina snow...) Sticking, too. I haven't got a cancellation email from my college yet, but it's not like I've left the bed for more than a few moments anyway... As I sit here in my bed with my laptop and coffee, I can't help but think how very lucky I am. I have a job I love (and I actually use the skills I was taught in undergrad). I work from home one day each week. If I cannot go into work for any reason (inclement weather, illness, travel) I am still paid. It wasn't always like this. I had my fair share of wage-slave jobs. Even now I sacrifice a certain amount on income for the flexibility that my job provides, but stress and hours of many higher paying job cannot make up for sitting in my bed with my laptop and coffee, working from home and watching the snow.

I've been journalling (like physical pen and paper journalling) a lot lately, which is why I haven't posted here much. I have things I need to spill that I don't want to put on the internet, that's why. What's been going on lately? November K-Swiss and I split mid-November Thanksgiving with the family Spending more time with my bro. Haven't spent enough time with him. Would like to. Took a solo trip to Asheville Made some friends in Asheville. Friends who are bugging me to return (and I'd like to!) Begin going out to Meetup.com events to make some more friends in town December Lived with some college friends for a week or so Found an apartment (it's a loft with a spiral staircase) Moved into apartment Accidentally lost weight -- how did this happen? Home for family X-mas party. Spent more time with my siblings. Made some new friends. Got sent home with three dozen siopao Had a fantastic birthday including presents and sushi Dec...

I'm working on getting back into a habit I used to have that involved getting to bed at a reasonable hour and waking naturally around 7am. It's a struggle. I'm going to try to start posting how my mornings go here. If I can, indeed, get back into my habit, then we'll also have daily outfit photos again. Day 3: Wake. Brain is confused. A savory scent is wafting into my loft and a curious gurgling sound pricks my ears. Phone declares 7:04am. Did my alarm go off? What is that sound? ... COFFEE! Commence mental argument Get out of bed get coffee It'll still be good in ten minutes, let's just take ten more minutes.  Seriously? Get your ass up. Hey, here's the water your poured yourself last night. Drink that, get up. Soo comfy. And it's cold out there. You left your robe at the foot of your bed, no excuses. Also I think you need to pee. Gorramit... I stretch. I sit up. I drink some water. I shiver. I blink rapidly. I grab my glasses and...

Someone posted the above photo on reddit , and the top comment was " It isn't that easy ." Below is another redditor's reply . I love this post. I've had to develop lots of coping mechanisms over the years to deal with crippling anxiety and depression. ALL of these, particularly #10 and Bonus are ones that have been of great assistance to me. Now -- on to the plagiarism! All credit to IdeaPowered 1) No, he/she isn't the only one . There are millions of people. Go meet more. Those aren't your only friends. They are just your only friends NOW. You can make more, and often better, friends. 2) Molehills, not mountains . Keep things in perspective. You might feel shitty because you fucked up about this one thing. In a year you probably won't remember it and it will be inconsequential unless you keep chastising yourself for it. Everyone else is too busy being paranoid about themselves to have to remember every stupid thing you did. 3) Chastis...

I'm going to make some of you feel a little old -- I just used a fax machine for the first time in my life. I get a buzz of irritation when people request faxes. When I needed stuff faxed in college, I would email it to my Dadders and ask him to fax it. I don't understand why everything can't be done digitally. Waste of paper. Once, KSwiss needed work done on his car, they emailed him the paperwork, he signed it on his tablet (literally, signed his name with his finger) and emailed it back to them. This is the way it should be. Of course, the next generation will probably think I'm old for having used an actual phone instead of an implant in my head or something. Of course, I think it's amusing when people still have landlines. My parents don't even have a landline anymore. And of course, some people pride themselves on their lack of modern communication technology. And the Millennials say: What's that? You can't play any song you could possibly want...